This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
