my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
