She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
