new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
