Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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