If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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