booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
