Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
