This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
