Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
