He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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