We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
