cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
