My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
