I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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