Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
