I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
