You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
