so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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