I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
