He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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