Jerry, you need to find god
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
