I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
dude. I can hear the air.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
