my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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