Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
