dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
