I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
