the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
