I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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