There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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