I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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