my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
