He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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