Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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