wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
