shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
