he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
