I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
