i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
