I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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