you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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