Who wears a wallet chain?!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
