why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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