He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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