You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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