I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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