Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
