apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
