My pussy is not your playground.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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