pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
