For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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