I wish my penis had an off switch
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dick very happy bro
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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